The Blind Side Is Atrocious

If there was ever a movie undeserving of a Best Picture nomination, it would be The Blind Side.  I managed to sit through it, because I usually finish movies and I make it a point to see all the Best Picture nominees before the ceremony (which is this Sunday).  But man, that shit was hard work.

What pisses me off the most is that this is an obvious loser in every cinematic respect.  This movie will not win a single thing; Sandra Bullock gives probably the best performance I’ve ever seen her give, but that isn’t saying much.  Tim McGraw is predictably an ass whose role is forgettable.  But I digress: the point is that this movie isn’t even Golden Globe-worthy, much less Oscar-worthy (and Bullock actually won a Globe for this piece of work….incredulous).

The easy thing would be to blame the Academy’s idea for having ten nominees instead of five, which makes sense – obviously there’s going to be some unworthy films in the running.  But wow….The Blind Side?  Really?  This film has none of the elements that makes an Oscar-worthy movie.  None.

If I were Michael Oher, I would be infuriated that the film that is supposed to tell my true-life rags-to-riches story is nothing more than a racist, aimless, and ultimately plotless half-assed attempt at remaking Remember the Titans.  The moral of this movie: Thank God for rich white people saving big, dumb, quiet black people and making them play football.  Despicable.

The movie has no form, no pattern, no mood – it’s like dealing with someone who is afflicted with Bipolar Disorder.  One minute it tries to be funny (and fails miserably – Kathy Bates in a rare miss as a Democrat – GASP! – tutor for Oher).  The next minute it’s a football movie, then its a hardcore violent gangsta film.  This movie grabs at every identity, but never captures its own.  The only things that remain consistent in the Blind Side are bad acting, cringe-worthy dialogue, and cliche Disney scene structure.

Not one character is likable, or developed enough to be likable.  The focus of the movie – Oher – says close to nothing through the first half of the film.  Bullock’s character, Leigh Anne Tuohy, on the other hand, talks too much; she’s a small-town, nosy, bitchy, rich white woman that the audience is supposed to love, but, she too is so two-dimensional that the audience never gets a chance.

There’s the family movie gimmick of singing a rap song in the car (this time they make Young MC’s classic “Bust a Move” cheesy), then there’s the sports movie gimmick of having prominent sports figures poorly recite lines (this time it’s a plethora of real-life college football coaches), then there’s the climactic point where Oher is interrogated by the NCAA, which turns out to be unremarkable and boring (surprise).

So a sweet, redneck family (who don’t think they’re rednecks) adopts a tall black boy, saves his life, makes him play football, and makes sure he’s recruited to their Republican-ized alma mater.  Cuz, you know, it’s the Christian thing to do.  Pat Robertson likely loved it; the rest of the world will hate it.

The movie tries to feel like a heartfelt, funny family film, but in the end it’s only funny because it’s so ridiculously bad.  And it’s not like the Academy was scraping to fill that tenth spot – what about Crazy Heart? A Single Man? All About Steve, maybe?  This film’s nomination might be saying more about the Academy’s current state (I’m guessing “not good”) than the movie itself.

It won’t win, but the fact that the Blind Side is up for a Best Picture nomination is unbelievable, because this film is unwatchable.

Leave a Reply